Fortunes

As a thank you gift at the Houston Pre-Wedding Dinner, we handed out homemade fortune cookies with custom-made fortunes.  Below is a list of all 80 possible fortunes that guests could have received.

Money can't buy happiness, but love can't buy a Ferrari either.

Pigeon poop burns the retina for 13 hours. You will learn this the hard way.

It is a pointless waste of energy to worry about the past.  The future though, holy shit.     

Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.

If ignorance is bliss, why is everyone so unhappy?

You will be hungry again in one hour.

Some days you are pigeon, some days you are statue.  Today, bring umbrella.

He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know. Shut up, is what I'm saying.

Hell is a journey, not a destination.     

You are 100% biodegradable.

You will marry a professional athlete - if competitive eating can be considered a sport.

Just because other people are assholes doesn't mean you're not also an asshole.

You were an accident.     

There is no problem you can't solve by creating a larger problem.

Expect disappointment and you'll never be disappointed.

Just because you're misunderstood doesn't mean you're a genius.

The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.

Wise husband is one who thinks twice before saying nothing.

Everyone who's ever loved you was wrong.

Age is nothing but a number. A number that increases as you approach death.

With great power comes no responsibility.     

It's easy to blame other people for your problems. Seriously, try it.

It could be worse. And soon it will.

You have kleptomania. Take something for it.

Sometimes in life all you need is fifty million dollars.     

You are not illiterate.

Somewhere out there is a tree working very hard to replace the oxygen you consume.  Apologize to it.

If you're happy and you know it, don't get used to it.

Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.

I see money in your future… it is not yours though.

If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.

You’re only young once, but you can be immature forever!

You constantly struggle for self improvement - and it shows.

For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

Last night I lay in my bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought; Where the hell is my ceiling?!     

For Rectal Use Only.

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.

There’s nothing to fear. Except maybe that weird guy over there.

You only need a parachute if you’re skydiving twice.

If actions speak louder than words, then why did I learn English instead of martial arts?

Someone ahead of you in line will pay with a check.

This cookie fell on the ground.

There are now 23 nicknames going around for you. None of them are flattering

Beware of your obsession with David Hasselhoff

You will die alone and poorly dressed.

The optimal amount of sleep is 5 more minutes.

Inside every old person is a young person wondering what the hell happened.

It's about the journey, not the destination. Also, you will run out of gas in 20 minutes.

Hard work pay off in future. Laziness pay off now.

Your parents will one day notice what a huge failure you are.

Run!!!!

If you think we're going to sum up your whole life on this little bit of paper, you're crazy.

The end is near… and it is all your fault.

Your resemblance to a muppet will prevent the world from taking you seriously.

Love is on the horizon.  The stars predict he will be tall, dark and a centaur.

This cookie is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down.

Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life.

You are perfect just the way you are. Maybe a nose job.

The wise do not believe they are wise… Then again, neither do many of the stupid.

This is a good time to reconnect with nature. The woods could use another crazy hermit.

There is something special about your smile that others have noticed.  You should have flossed.

Don't let negativity from others define you! Your own crippling self doubt should suffice.

Brevity is the…

Life is more than fitting in your jeans. Obviously, that would help though.

Pursue your passion!  You won't succeed, but at least it will distract you from the existential void.

You have the ability to touch many people. Unfortunately, some will take it the wrong way.

Good news of a long-awaited event will soon arrive; the doctor finally has time to schedule that colonoscopy.

You will be surrounded by luxury; stuck between a Cadillac and BMW in traffic tonight.

You will be invited to an exclusive party! It's for Tupperware.

Something you thought you had lost will soon turn up.   Acne.

You will be invited to a karaoke party. You will not be invited back.

You will make an impression on someone important. Crashing into their Porche tends to do that.

The world will know your name!  As usual, it will be for all the wrong reasons.

You will encounter a source of great enlightenment. Unfortunately, you aren't going to notice.

You will live a long and happy life. After you are reincarnated as a goldfish.

Your dreams will come true.  You know, the one where you show up to work naked.

Imagination is more important than knowledge.  Or at least, that's what it looks like you are banking on.

Some people are worth melting for, not you obviously, but I hear they exist somewhere.

Spring will be full of exciting surprises! Like back taxes!

A promising job opportunity is sure to pass you by.